Date: Tue, 6 Aug 2002 11:50:40 -0700 (PDT) From: Gabe Anderson To: "dave@nextdraft.com" Subject: RE: NextDraft {8.5.02} So Not Right Bravo, Dave. Your latest column succeeds in demonstrating why most American women feel the need to starve themselves and face daily battles with their self-esteem. I didn't see the Anna Nicole Smith show and I'm certainly not defending her level of intelligence, but was it really necessary to pepper your column with immature pokes at the woman's weight just because she may be a bit heavier than your average anorexic TV or movie star? -Gabe -----Original Message----- From: NextDraft [mailto:dave@nextdraft.com] Sent: Monday, August 05, 2002 2:16 PM To: Gabe Anderson Subject: NextDraft {8.5.02} So Not Right Your Dinner Party Prep ========================================= NextDraft --> by Dave Pell + 8.05.02 + Monday ========================================= " THE COLUMN ... So Not Right " THE FRONT SECTION ... Lost in Transition? " IN OTHER NEWS ... Same As It Ever Was? " GETTING THE PICTURE ... The Best Part of Waking Up " DAVENETICS TECH ... Money Back, No Guarantees " POP CULTURE ... The Starmakers " ETC, ETC ... Got Milk? THE COLUMN So Not Right Sunday evening marked the debut of what can already be considered television's lowest point (and it wasn't even on Fox) as E! introduced America to the Anna Nicole Smith Reality Show. The show, if it continues, will go a long way towards offsetting the Bush administration's effort to get Americans to watch their food intake. The second that the show began, my wife and I looked at each other knowingly, nodded and simultaneously said the word Ribs (and I'm a vegetarian). Entertainment Weekly called the show "An obscene train wreck." Here is a brief glimpse into the first half hour of this groundbreaking (literally) new reality series. Prologue: From Anna: "There's three things people seem to think about me. They think I'm rich. I'm not rich. I'm gonna be rich. They think I'm a gold digger. And they think that I'm fat. Well ... maybe I'm a little big-boned." {For the first time since a children's suit salesman sent me to the husky section to pick out my Bar Mitzvah threads, I feel confident that I can now refer to myself as medium-boned. The three things people really think about Anna Nicole Smith: Ick, Yuck and Hmmm - not necessarily in that order.} Minute One: Anna lumbers carefully down a hallway wearing jeans that fit her perfectly in the early nineties and a peasant shirt, the laces of which are strained as if Shaq had forced his feet into baby booties. She arrives at the office of her real estate agent and comments on her heaving, separately zip-coded breasts: "These babies keep wanting to pop out, sorry." {I have a vision of new twin-peaked Rushmore with the faces of John Ashcroft and Bill Bennett chiseled out. Better yet, let's just put a semi-clad Anna Nicole behind the podium at the Justice Department during press briefings.} Minute Two: Anna motions and slurs just enough to let the viewer know she is taking whatever Ozzy used to take and tells her dog, Sugar-Pie, to quit farting. {New and wholly unexpected thought: Ozzy really doesn't get enough credit.} Minute three: Anna visits her first potential house (the theme of this episode) and comments that it looks like a Mexican type, like a can-a-bana. {Like with most moments in the show, this one results in a severe and unrelenting food craving. Fortunately a burrito place nearby delivers (but they only have bana by the bottle). In a wonderful twist, Taco Bell is one of the key sponsors of the show.} Minute Seven: Visiting a second potential home, Anna again comments on her breasts: "Whoa these bad boys are trying to get out." Anna then opens the fridge and begins to eat some watermelon belonging to the current owners. Anna goes upstairs, tries out the master bed where she lies on her back and simulates sex {pork belly futures soar}. Anna's assistant and her lawyer are both required to help Anna of the bed. {Question: How does Southwest Airlines price Anna's flights?} Minute Eight: Anna gets into the master tub, stretches out and puts her high-heeled feet over the its far edge. She is panting. "Ah yes, this is the one for me." {It then occurs to my why, when I swim at my athletic club, no one ever swims in the lane adjacent to mine.} It's unclear how Smith is later removed from the tub. Anna loves the house but realizes that the rent is way too high. Her lawyer explains that she hasn't received her settlement yet. Anna cries. {So too do the several E! executives whose parents have called to express their deeply felt shame. Fortunately for some, their assistants failed to relay the messages until after the premiere.} Minute Eleven: In an effort to cheer herself up, Anna {always the master of pop culture trends} whispers to the camera: "I have to go home and masturbate. It's still real fun." {At that moment, millions of teenage boys across America swear off masturbation forever.} Minute Seventeen: From Anna: "You know those bumper stickers that say Sh#t happens and then you die? Well they should say Sh#t happens and then you live. That's really the truth of it. {The line is moving, but doesn't quite hit the mark without being quickly followed by Sharon Osbourne throwing a ham into a neighbor's yard. The moment, as with much of the show, does have a sort of Forest Gumpian flavor. Life is like crate of chocolates...} Minute Eighteen: Anna is in the back of Limo, stuffed into an sparkled dress when she turns to public affairs: "Who's killing the Jews?" After her lawyer (named Howard Stern if you can believe it) explains the problem of suicide bombers (dumbing it down as much as possible without the assistance of talking puppets), Anna makes a face of disgust (it's a subtle shift) and responds: "Eeeww. Why would they do that? Don't you think it was kind of painful? That's just so not right." {Before you judge her, consider that after returning from the Middle East last week, Jesse Jackson remarked that you have anger on the Palestinian side and basically fear on the Israeli side. But what you need is hope. Because hope is greater than both anger and fear.} Minute Twenty: While pursuing her dog under a table, Anna's backside gets stuck between two of the table's legs. {I find myself wondering - as I do on occasion - what life was really like inside the Clinton White House.} Minute Twenty-two: Anna talks to her son. Stop. This is too depressing. Even after watching a season of Ozzy, this is too much. So I flip the channel to 60 Minutes where Andy Rooney is talking about how weird it is that we all create so much trash over the course of a lifetime. Even this is a welcome reprieve, but I can't help thinking to myself that this segment too is "just so not right..." . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . THE FRONT SECTION Lost in Transition? A Time magazine article re-kindles the who knew what and did what when debate with the suggestion that a Clinton plan to fight Al Qaeda became "the victim of the transition process, turf wars and time spent on the pet policies of new top officials" once the Bush administration took over. http://www.time.com/time/covers/1101020812/story.html + Bush officials have discounted the report. From one member of the administration: "This idea that there was somehow a kind of -- some sort of full-blown plan for going after Al Qaeda is just incorrect." http://www.cnn.com/2002/ALLPOLITICS/08/05/wh.al.qaeda/ Fed Up Because last week's suicide bombing at Hebrew University killed several Americans, the FBI is now on the scene and helping with the investigation. How deep will they want to dig? http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2002/08/05/international1413EDT0589.DTL The shootings and bombings continued through the weekend in Israel. On Monday, a man and his pregnant wife were killed in the settlements. Their two children were injured. Israel has reportedly arrested a Hamas leader and hit weapons depots in Gaza City. http://www.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/meast/08/05/mideast/ + Israel has restricted nearly all travel in the West Bank and certain parts of Gaza. http://abcnews.com/sections/world/DailyNews/mideast020805.html Pakistani officials decided to re-open the road in front of the U.S. Consulate in Karachi. Consulate officials responded by shutting the place down. http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/international/AP-Pakistan-US.html The Climb Investigators who have listened to the emergency radio transmissions from 9-11 now believe that at least two firemen made it all the way to 78th floor of the south tower and were helping the injured there. http://www.nytimes.com/2002/08/04/nyregion/04WTC.html . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . IN OTHER NEWS Same As It Ever Was? Last November, 73% of people surveyed called the media highly professional and 53% described media as moral. Today, those percentages have dropped back down to 49% and 39% respectively. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A45177-2002Aug5.html Empty Holsters The latest case that needs to be examined by the Justice Department: What happened to so many of their guns and laptops? http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2002-08-05-missing-weapons_x.htm Markets slide again. http://www.msnbc.com/news/534548.asp In a change of attitude, the Bush administration has approved a $1.5 billion loan to Uruguay. It is the first such loan or aid package approved by Bush. http://www.nytimes.com/2002/08/05/international/americas/05LATI.html Doctors in L.A. begin a 24-hour operation to attempt to separate conjoined one-year old twins. http://www.msnbc.com/news/790204.asp The Vatican excommunicates seven women who called themselves priests. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/08/05/world/main517522.shtml A Florida judge has struck down that state's school voucher program. http://www.boston.com/news/daily/05/Florida_vouchers.htm The Return of Al? Al Gore in an Op-Ed piece in the Sunday NY Times: "The economic debate, now as then, is fundamentally about principle. The problem is not that Mr. Bush and Dick Cheney picked the wrong advisers or misunderstood the technical arguments, but that their economic purpose was and is ideological: to provide $1.6 trillion in tax giveaways for the few while pretending they were for the many, and manipulating the numbers to make it appear that the budget surplus would be preserved. It was pre-Enron political accounting. For them, incredibly, it is also post-Enron accounting. And the result is the replacement in one year of a surplus with another massive deficit." http://www.nytimes.com/2002/08/04/opinion/04GORE.html Taiwan's President talks like he is the leader of a separate country and Chinese leaders are not pleased. http://www.economist.com/agenda/displayStory.cfm?story_id=1269312 Bush meets the miners. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/07/25/national/main516261.shtml In New York, mothers lead a fight to scale back the incredibly long sentences handed out to drug offenders. http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2002/08/05/drug_reform/ Medical testing; a dangerous way to make a buck? http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2002/08/04/MN178017.DTL Environmental Impact? From Cambodia: "In a country where there is little help for the people, a new generation of environmentalists is trying to protect the ebbing populations of wildlife in the Southeast Asian bush. And they are doing it the way so much gets done these days: with troops and guns." {Very interesting piece.} http://www.nytimes.com/2002/08/04/magazine/04ECOMERCENARIES.html Nearly twenty of the schools listed as the nation's finest over the past five years are also on the list of failing schools. {I better recheck my high school yearbook. I may have actually been voted best dressed...} http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&cid=676&e=14&u=/usatoday/20020805/ts_usatoday/4333065 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . GETTING THE PICTURE the caption: "The best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup!" the picture: http://www.nextdraft.com/p/08052.html . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . DAVENETICS TECH Money Back, No Guarantees How cool is the start-up funding space? A lot of the big-spending venture capitalists of the boom are telling investors to take their money back. http://www.msnbc.com/news/788693.asp Of technology and the house calls of the future. http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/gate/a/2002/08/05/healthwatch.DTL Microsoft releases more of the Windows code to comply with the (yet to be approved) antitrust settlement. http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/techpolicy/2002-08-05-microsoft-antitrust_x.htm Eighty percent of messages received by Hotmail users are spam. http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/story.hts/tech/1516756 An Army of Fun? A lot of teens are playing a new, free online game. For the Army, this game is part of new effort to use technology to attract recruits. http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2002/08/05/BU147254.DTL . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . POP (goes the) CULTURE The Starmakers Amanda Latona may be the next big thing dished up by J records. But first they have to decide what kind of artist she should be, from her looks to her sound to her attitude. At first she was supposed to be the new Britney (back then she said Yay all the time) but then the pop thing cooled. Then they made here a rockstar (after which she got into the habit of calling this story's female writer Dude). This is a very interesting article on the piece by piece invention of a star. If you can sing and have decent abs, you could be next. http://www.nytimes.com/2002/08/04/magazine/04LATONA.html and... Disney is now the proud owner of the rights to the story of the nine miners in Pennsylvania - the book and movie coming soon. {I'm seeing something featuring the same cast and vibe as Oceans Eleven.} http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,10342,00.html . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ETCETERA, ETCETERA Got Milk? Australia thought they had secured their place in history when they set a Guinness World Record for most moms breastfeeding at one time in one place. That was until Berkeley smashed their record last Saturday. {Sometimes I don't feel that guilty for sitting around doing nothing all weekend...} http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2002/08/04/BA103948.DTL Dig the New Look